I should have been counting them this year - how many times I've been over there! I get bloodwork every other Tuesday, regularly. For the next month or so I have multiple appointments.
I am having a repeat echocardiogram on August 25 - this is to see if the pressures in my heart have improved at all. I pray they have - I feel better but that's not really an indicator. If the meds and weight loss have not helped them to improve, I am in worse trouble that I thought and pretty big trouble.
The next week I will see a cardiologist, for the first time. The one I'm seeing is also on the transplant team. While those words have not come up, I know enough to know that if things are not any better, a heart/lung transplant would be the best option for a longer life. But, I've already decided that I will not do that. Between the history of having a wet body (easy to retain fluid) and the blood clots, I doubt the transplant team would approve me and I'd really question them if they did - I mean I'm not about to be another science experiment!!
I see the GYN again September 24 and between now and then will have a mammogram and bone density scan. Those seem a little mute on point to me, if my heart is going to give out in a year or two, who cares if I have cancer or brittle bones???
I don't mean to sound ugly - I just won't go thru massive rounds of treatment for things that won't make a lot of difference.
I do hope for at least 3-5 more years - so that I can see Renee finish college and get into her field of work. Maybe in that period of time I will see Lynn get himself together and be a productive citizen.
It is humbling in more ways than one to realize that your life is closer to being over - I mean everyday after 40 we are all over 1/2 of the way done, but, this feels a little different to me. And, after all of the feelings after the divorce, etc. I want to love again. No expectations this time, no children to raise, just me and a special someone doting on each other daily, making each day the best it can be.
If I sound like I'm in a pity party, I'm really not, I've just realized even a few more things than I already knew.