Friday, February 20, 2009

Ground Zero

I decided, after two pretty intense weeks of medical intervention, etc., to blog about my pathway to a healthier life which actually began February 3.

On that date I had an appointment with my new primary care provider. It was the second time I'd seen him, since I'd cancelled two or three appointments. BUT, I felt so damn bad there was just no choice but to go. Either go see him or go to the ER, which I had contemplated several times over the last two weeks prior to the visit. Or, maybe end up at the funeral home, which I thought might be a real possibility if something didn't change.

I could tell I was chug full of fluid, my legs were so tight they looked like they might burst, and my thighs had several places where fluid just leaked out. My joints were so stiff I could hardly move and breathing was a chore. All I wanted to do was sit in bed!

So, no holding back. I told him everything, how I felt, how bad it hurt to try to move, how I couldn't breathe, how tired I was. He changed some of my meds, put me back on a blood pressure medicine, changed my fluid pill, and ordered an echogram of my heart to see "if there was anything going on there we needed to know about".

The worst part of the visit was getting weighed. Not an easy task because I was in a wheelchair that I could barely get in and out of so they rolled me upon to the portable scale. According to it, and allowing for the wheelchair, my weight was an unbelievable 601 pounds!

I must say that the tears came at that point, not a sob, not a wail, but tears, lots of them, just streaming. How in God's name have I let myself get to this point? How does a woman who is not stupid by any means, who gives and gives to others, helps everyone she can, works hard and trys to be a good person, how does this person let herself go to reach this unbelievable point of self destruction?

And, the epiphany came on the heels of that. I've taken care of everybody else for so long, it didn't start with my husband, it was many years before that that I'd shouldered more responsibility than I should have. Now, my parents are gone, God rest their souls. I'm no longer married and my kids are grown. It is time for Lisa to put Lisa first and not feel anything but good about it.

My journey to a healthier life began with that realization, it really is okay to put yourself first!

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