Thursday, March 12, 2009

Acknowledge and Admit

I have to say something here - I've been meaning to do this since the day I started this blog.

Never, I mean NEVER!! in my whole life have I admitted how much I weighed, to anyone. My doctor and the nurse who weighed me knew, the lady at Weight Watcher's knew (yeah, I tried that several times, and it does work, I just didn't stay committed).

I never admitted to my mom, my sister (who would have been the only person I'd told if I was telling), my kids, my husband, no one!

I remember what I weighed on certain days - 208 pounds the day I graduated from high school. (By today's standards, I'd be one of the sexiest girls in school with my hips!) I weighed 280 pounds when I met my husband, 340 when he married me. I weighed 343 pounds when I found out I was pregnant with Renee, 338 pounds the day before she was born. I weighed 335 pounds the day I found out I was pregnant with Lynn and 342 the day before he was born. On May 26, 1999 when I was in a terrible car wreck, I weighed 424 pounds. AND at that weight, I worked full time for the YMCA running Fun Company and summer camps, had 2 kids and 1 husband who drove a truck, had an 11 room house, active in church, family and community.

I rarely got in bed before 11 pm and was up again by 4AM to get Ronnie out the door and open my school by 6:30 am. When I got to Stallworth Rehab and they asked me about my daily schedule, they even suggested I was exhausted and had fallen asleep at the wheel!!

My point is that my weight had never really kept me down, I thought. But, it did. It kept me from enjoying everything to the fullest. In the latter years, I didn't go as much as I used to - I didn't ride anything at amusement parks - I've walked thru Mammoth Cave a few times but couldn't begin to consider it now - and I love the beach but me at this weight and loose sand are a very bad combination. (I don't like water - just the beach looking at the water!)

So, part of my own journey and rehab of my thought processes is to openly admit exactly where I am. If I can't acknowledge and admit just how serious the problem is, how can I ever tackle and overcome the full challenge of what lies ahead of me? And, you know what - with admittance comes liberation. Sure, it's a number, a high number, but it's also a temporary number. Something that will change, is changing, and not something I hide from any longer.

To say that 2 months ago I weighed 601 pounds is a major confession by anyone's standards. In doing that, I am liberated from those chains of secrecy and can openly share, give and receive, encouragement, hope, understanding, and accolades. It's one of the best things I've ever done for myself!

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